Going, GOing-GONE (or: The Joys of Ebay, part 1—soon to be a multi volume set)

First of all—I am still trying to understand the “logic” behind the methodology of allowing any ‘wingnut’ (oh, and that is not for the lack of a better word…I have several in mind) to write whatever boggling commentary desired as feedback.

Sellers on eBay, however, are merited only a line of meager defense to any/all insult or innuendo vomited by an anonymous, unrealistic buyer.

Prior to some Vatican III (or eBay 16) modification to rules and regulations pertaining to whatever they pertain to (Thank you Meg Whitman, running California would indeed be much easier) the Seller could indeed ALSO leave negative feedback to the rogue buyer. Alas–no more. (Refer to the 455 page handbook that should come with other throwaway mailers and pizza coupons that arrive on your doorstep).

Ostensibly, Since some magic date circa 2005, Sellers can now anticipate devoting a seven hour day to the online justification of THEIR position to the ‘powers that BE’ of eBay as to why that USED item sold was actually USED (audible sigh) in order to revoke the stray comment…..

……or ‘dial up’ a help line that rings indefinitely into a cavern somewhere (this is an assumption since no live being has ever picked up the line– POWER SELLER OR NO POWER SELLER, thank you). Of course, some lucky seller could hit the jackpot and score a phone tree on their 45th attempt, but that’s another blog post entirely….

Buyer Beware. No, not ‘caveat emptor’ (kæv iˌɑt ˈɛmp tɔr) more like: a placard- ‘Beware of Dog?’ Maybe some of these “buyers” (woof) should have a little signage attached to their ‘collars’….they’ve earned it.

You mean that you weren’t chauffeur-driven to your proverbial ‘Free Lunch’ at Alain Ducasse’s newest restaurant? tsk tsk. Let’s complain. (woof woof again)

On the occasions when I have purchased items that I have questioned, I have directly communicated with the seller—in a timely way (that means NOT three weeks after I’ve worn/driven/used the item to operate heavy machinery…etc. ). I mean really, isn’t the best manner of communication maybe to “try” initially to SORT OUT your difference of opinion FIRST?

…and I quote DIRECTLY from a recent “correspondence” via eBay messages–from a buyer who insisted on receiving an item that was lost by the dry cleaner. NOTE: she had not paid for the item. (However as she had apparently been in communication with “God” about the matter, she was correctly at least informed that she is not a blond).

“I really don´t believe you. You say the top is missing and in the next sentence you say that if I bought it “BUY IT NOW” it would have been safe. Who are you trying to fool. A 5-year old would not even come up with a stupid lie like that. I`m sure not blond. You should be ashamed of yourself. It would have been better to just tell the truth. “You know: GOD sees everything.”

sigh.

Of course, we –AS SELLERS– are in that coveted position of Negotiating with Terrorists. We have no options and the goods are already gone. We can, however, bow profusely in apoplectic apology. Oh, and beg forgiveness for not passing on the deal of a lifetime. (Pardon me while I prostrate myself with a branch next to my swimming pool.)

I’ve been doing this eBay-thing since 1999. It’s now like the wild west. It’s also just about the only game in town unless you opt to run a 24/7 garage sale (and, you know….that’s starting to look better). Yahoo!

So, I suppose, I should generically offer a note of consolation with each item shipped—just to cut to the chase:

Dear (fill in the blank—but wouldn’t you really prefer LIVE ROUNDS?):

I’m so sorry to have inflicted such undue suffering upon you.

I appear to have caused you to question your faith in both God and Humanity.

Indeed, I admit that I did wear that $4700 jacket twice—the one that you just won (and are complaining about for $229 plus shipping.

I realize now that I should have sent it to Madame Paulette first.

I am deeply ashamed.

You are (obviously) one of the finest people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.

I live in the hopes that you will again–someday/somehow allow me to share my belongings with you.

If only you could find it in your heart to give me another chance.

Please (I’m groveling now)—send me a list of the colours that look BEST on you.

I’ve been so selfish, always thinking of myself and my family when I shop…..

I’ll laminate your list and I’ll carry it in my (your-soon-to-be) wallet.

It will be inspiration next time I’m paying full price for any item (also soon-to-be-yours) at the Hermes Boutique.

Please accept a full refund of your winning bid as well as the full shipping amount that you paid.

I feel fortunate to have interacted with you.

You’ve given me that rare opportunity for self introspection. Wow. That’s so like you—helping others the way you do.

While I don’t wish to cause you more stress to return the item to me—I hope you will find some worthy use for that paltry thing (add: suit, shirt, tiara, car) that you purchased from me.

Thank you.

I am so disgusted with myself.

I recognize that I have failed to live up to your expectations of what eBay should be.

I am horrified by my own lack of insight.

In fact, I feel that a refund is not enough.

I hope you will accept some additional money to cover at least six months of counseling by a caring therapist of your choice (and most surely, you have one prescribing something to you) to assist you in feeling more comfortable with the integration of online shopping again since this ‘incident’.

Sincerely-xyz

OF COURSE, personally, (If I were just a teeeeeeny bit more self indulgent), I would like to add a little line (handwritten, of course, ON VELLUM):

— ‘I hope you will die a particularly painful, slow death (hanging yourself with a purported loose thread from the garment in question…?)

I hope this will happen sooner rather than later, but I am going to forget that you ever existed in your little cyber- world of cheap thrills.

However, that would seem less than polite–regardless of how truly I DO wish you were dead, dearest ‘buyer’.

The end.

Oh, and if you wonder if this pertains to you….it probably does.
(and, yes—CakebxFU, etc….that does mean YOU)
The good news: you’re BLOCKED

**oh, and if the dry cleaner ever does find the Angelos-Frentzos top that you are so obsessed with (but NEVER paid for, relax, baby)—I’m donating it.